Coulter On The Oscars

3 March, 2006. 562 words.

I think I’ve got Ann Coulter figured out now. My mistake was categorizing her as a pundit or analyst or journalist, when she’s really just a stand-up comic for conservatives. An insult comic, actually. She doesn’t write commentary, she writes “bits.” Sort of like an anti-Jon Stewart.

With that in mind, it’s much easier-and actually somewhat entertaining-to read her stuff. For example, Speaking Truth to Dead Horses: My Oscar Predictions contains no redeeming intellectual insights or observations, but it does have some humorous moments in it. If you’re not too sensitive about insulting “the gays” or terrorists, that is. Oh, or black people. Or Asians. But I think that’s it. Wait… also actors and Hollywood.

(Maybe Coulter’s been possessed by the spirit of Archie Bunker.)

Is the idea of gay cowboys really that new? Didn’t the Village People do that a couple of decades ago? Am I the only person who saw John Travolta in “Urban Cowboy”?

Here’s where it helps to know Coulter is just doing a schtick: If one thought she were actually making a credible argument about Hollywood, one might be tempted to correct her on this point. But one would be falling into a trap there. Because she’s a comedian, she’s using what we call “artistic license” to alter the facts to suit her punchline.

Moreover, Hollywood feels it has done enough for the blacks. Hollywood can never do enough for the gays. Gays in the military, gays in the Texas Rangers, gays on the range. It’s like a brokeback record!

A little too much artistic license there; that literally makes no sense whatsoever. It’s like some strange dialect of Coulter-speak.

As Pat Buchanan said, homosexuality has gone from “the love that dare not speak its name” to “the love that won’t shut up.”

That was actually a pretty funny word play. Oh wait, Pat Buchanan said it, so I guess it doesn’t count. Moving on.

After consulting with the Yale admissions committee, the awards committee will give the Oscar to … “Paradise Now,” a heartwarming story about Palestinian suicide bombers. How good is it? Al-Jazeera gave it 4 1/2 pipe bombs. It’s Air Syria’s featured in-flight movie this month — go figure! I don’t want to spoil the ending for you, but let’s just say there won’t be a sequel.

This part definitely has the most comedic bang-for-the-buck. It’s got an oblique reference to the former Taliban spokesman attending Yale. It’s got an oblique reference to Syria’s support of terrorism. It’s got an oblique reference to Al-Jazeera’s support of… uh… pipe bombs. Is that actually true? Well, it doesn’t matter.

As a final prediction, for the second year, there will be no mention of Dutch filmmaker Theo van Gogh

Ack. She’s trying to get all serious and poignant and ironic there. What’s up with that? Again, one might be tempted to respond to that with a reasoned counter-argument, but one would be falling into another trap. Comedy is a one-way street.

I also predict this will be the lowest-rated Oscars ever.

I wonder if somebody’s a little jealous about the real Jon Stewart hosting the event? Don’t worry Annie, if you keep practicing, I’m sure you’ll get your turn one day.

UPDATE 3/6: The “brokeback record” bit finally sunk in… it’s like a word play on “broken record.” Hyuk hyuk. Well, at least it makes sense now.

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