Weather Happening In Gulf, Experts Shocked

13 June, 2006. 238 words.

Here’s a quick impression of tonight’s NBC Nightly News For Dummies:

Brian: “Though Tropical Storm Alberto is not even at hurricane strength, we will pretend that it’s a Category 12 monstrosity for the sake of this program. We have two reporters on the scene.”

Some expendable reporter: “RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IN ALL MY YEARS OF VACUOUS REPORTING, I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS! IT’S A STORM! AND IT’S BIGGER THAN A THUNDERSTORM! IT’S WORSE THAN WE COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED! IT WAS JUST LAST YEAR THAT KATRINA DESTROYED CIVILIZATION! AND NOW THIS! WE DIDN’T SEE IT COMING! IT’S PICKING UP STRENGTH! FLORIDIANS ARE FLEEING IN PANIC! WE CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT’S HAPPENING ON CUBA! IT’S PROBABLY RAINING! A LOT! JEB HAS DECLARED A SUPER STATE OF CATASTROPHIC EMERGENCY! EVERY CITIZEN SHOULD DROP EVERYTHING AND RUN FOR THEIR VERY LIVES!”

Another expendable reporter: “THE RAINS! OH MY GOD, THE RAINS ARE COMING! AND SOME WIND! THE NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER PREDICTS THE STORM SURGE MIGHT BE AS MUCH AS 1/6th THE HEIGHT OF KATRINA’S STORM SURGE! OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN IS THAT RIGHT? 1/6TH? OH JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH! MUST… NOT… PANIC! WE’LL BE STANDING BY IN OUR RAINCOATS, BRAVING THE WIND AND RAIN TO GIVE YOU A HORRIFYING TASTE OF THE TRAGEDY THAT’S ABOUT TO UNFOLD! WE’LL BE RIGHT HERE IN CASE ANYONE DIES, READY FOR EXTREME CLOSE-UPS! YOU CAN COUNT ON US! BACK TO YOU BRIAN!”

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