Solving Catholicism

21 January, 2006. 318 words.

[Originally posted January 3, 2006.]

In a January 1 post entitled The #1 problem in the Catholic Church today, GK writes that Catholic “religious devotion” is fundamentally a feminine pursuit, so it follows that most male Catholic leadership will be momma’s boys.* (And, of course, by extrapolation, godless homosexual pedophiles.) So he advocates that in order to solve the “priest crisis,” Catholicism must find some way to make its male leadership more manly. He doesn’t specifically say this, but he also implies in another post, Nothing makes me sing so loud at church…, that the gender-neutering of Catholic hymn texts is also part of the problem.

Just off the top of my head, this seems pretty easy to solve:

Require that the priest give a rundown of upcoming afternoon football games, injury reports, score predictions, and key factors in the games.
During the sermon, require that the priest drink a six-pack of beer (not imported!), beat up, and psychologically terrorize a different female member of the congregation every week.
Require that the priest drive a revved up ‘69 Duster with a rebel flag painted on the top. (Bonus points if he oppresses a race or two in the process.)
Replace these words in all hymn texts: Replace “everyone” with “manly men.” Replace “persons” with “man-studs.” Replace “all” with “only the manliest man-studs of all.”
Require male members of the congregation to win a WWF-style no-holds-barred wrestling contest before receiving any kind of absolution.
Replace all artwork and statues of the Blessed Virgin Mary with images of a hot cheerleader in skimpy attire.

That should be enough right there to keep Catholicism from descending into “Anglicanism with a pope.” No need to thank me.

Hehe. I was joking when I said “momma’s boys,” but in an update to GK’s blog post, he quotes a source that says: ‘Third, the priesthood is going to be disproportionately filled with “momma’s boys.”’

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