Summary of The President’s Speech

I don’t normally get into politics, but in case anyone missed it, here is a summary of President Bush’s news conference tonight:

Bush: “This is an unprecedented historic opportunity to make the world safe for democracy and protect the interests of the United States and its citizens from attack. That general in charge over in the desert place can have whatever he wants. June 30 is a pretty important date. Our troops rock.”

Press Goon #1: “Given how badly you handled your administration before 9/11, are you prepared to apologize to the American people yet?”

Bush: “I want to make the world a better place.”

Press Goon #2: “Is it not true that you personally could have prevented 9/11?”

Bush: “This is a historic occasion.”

Press Goon #3: “I’d like to follow up on some other questions. In the last 3 minutes, have you realized yet that you are solely responsible for every death in and around American since the Nixon administration?”

Bush: “Freedom is pretty cool.”

Press Goon #4: “Why can’t you just admit you suck? We all know it.”

Bush: “Freedom and democracy are historic.”

Press Goon #5: “Can you comment on allegations that you may have flown one of those planes on 9/11?”

Bush: “I look forward to historic debates.”

Press Goon #6: “Are you going to freaking admit you were wrong or what? Who do you think you are? We are the media. We own you. If you don’t say what we want you to say, we’ll just edit your speech down to a 3 word sound bite and fill in the rest with our propaganda so you might as well just admit it already.”

Bush: “The Iraqi people love historic freedom.”

Press Goon #7: “For the love of God, we’ve been sitting here for 45 minutes listening to you blathering on and repeating the exact same phrases about freedom, democracy, and the Iraqi people, when are you going to admit that you are responsible for 9/11?”

Bush: “History will look back on this and be unprecedented.”

Press Goon #8: “Pleeeeeeeeeeease admit you were responsible!! Pretty please? We can’t think of anything else to ask you!!”

Bush: “The nation will be historic after the transfer of authority on June 30.”

Press Goon #9: “I have a different question for you. Since our troops are being slaughtered at an unprecedented rate since last Thursday, is it accurate to state that the war is spinning out of control and that you are the worst president America has ever had?”

Bush: “The free people of America will historically make that decision.”

Press Goon #10: “Just today, three people that we randomly picked off the street and paid sizable sums of cash to say exactly what we told them to admitted that you made horrible decisions in the first 20 minutes of your presidency. What do you say to THAT, eh?”

Bush: “A free Iraq is a historic opportunity for world peace.”

Press Goon #11: “Ooohh.. Mr. Big Shot President Man. Thinks he’s above us little journalists and sheeit. Well my deep-voiced, gray-haired talking head is about to put some smack down on yo’ punk ass. Check this out: What was your biggest mistake prior to 9/11, beeyatch? Take that suckah! Booyah baby!”

Bush: “Radical and ruthless extreme factions do not like freedom.”

Press Goon #12: “Um, hrm, what is the exact distance between first base and third base?”

Bush: “The historic free people of Iraq will assume responsibility for that on June 30.”

Press Goon #13: “In what fundamental way does a chipmunk differ from a squirrel?”

Bush: “Freedom and democracy is the responsibility of all peace loving rodents.”

Press Goon #14: “I’ve listened to everything you’ve said and the American people still think you are to blame for everything. I have a direct link to them through a brain implant, you know. Can you comment on that?”

Bush: “The American people have a God-given right to be historic.”

Press Goon #15: “Since you breathe oxygen from the same atmosphere as the foreign terrorists, doesn’t that legitimize our treating you like a convicted criminal on national television so we look more like hard-hitting journalists?”

Bush: “So in conclusion I’d like to say that this is a historic opportunity to change the world, duuuuuh people sometimes die when cowardly psycho militant extremists are shooting at you from hospital windows and crowds of innocent civilian women, and it must suck to be you journalists that have to make up news all the time.”

After the news conference, the major news media anchors unanimously agreed that Bush’s speech was really an admission that he was solely responsible for the deaths of over two hundred squirrels in Iraq.